I danced, my fists up, a sciamachy at dusk with my mirrored image. A daily battle which impedes sophrosyne. Unfettered with others’ presence, the mask is dropped when I’m alone. This downtrodden feeling cloaks what is seen to others a happy person. There is no explanation…well, maybe a small one. Sometimes it is tragic points in my past that troubles and pulls me in one direction, but I do believe my lack of footing also stems from generations before me, for there are times when hypophrenia hits. I just feel. It just is.
It’s interesting how when I’m kept busy with work and family life I am able to avoid the negativity I apply within myself. At times I almost feel full of joy, as if I never question my reason for being. Those are the great days. I want more of those days. I need more days like that.
I almost have an intro to the climax of ache, and if I can get to the trails, or home to be with my family, I am able to stave off that overwhelming and sneaky life-sucking force. It’s not like I want it to happen. I know that it holds me back from who I truly am, and can be. I know that it affects those I love, and that is something I absolutely never want. And when I start to think about this, and everything that is plaguing me, I almost seem to spiral down the rabbit hole faster. A slippery slope of seconds…minutes…hours…days…weeks…months…years. Time where everything is personal to me, and I feel as if I take on the emotions and repercussions of others’ words and actions. It’s like I’m more of a sponge than our son, and that terrifies me because I do not want him soaking even a smidgen of this from me. And as I think more on that, I spiral faster then before, guilt overtaking me, adding to the weight of EVERYTHING.
The smart thing would be to actually end talking about that, and mention the bright forces in my life: my wife, son, dog, and even the fish we bought for Sawyer last week when we found out Trump is the President-elect. Shit. That was a negative thing. Alrighty, let’s start again…
Wife, son, dog, and fish—they elicit from me an overwhelming joy for life. My clients. Sure, I’m exhausted from working long hours and worrying about them, but they truly bring happiness to my life, especially when they are able to accomplish a goal they never thought was possible. I helped with that. Being home to cook, bake, garden, read, write, spend time with my family, and sleep. Yep…sleeping in our own bed is a wonderful gift that I appreciate and understand a lot of people do not have the luxury of enjoying. Trails…give me a trail, and I can shake off just about anything. From whence I came, to that I return. Being in nature reminds me of the vast knowledge and life I have yet to attain and appreciate.
I only hope that one day the sagacious love my wife, mother, and other strong women in the world have for themselves, regardless of history, genes, and emotions, will one day be a gift I am able to offer myself in regards to self-love, acceptance…and even forgetfulness. There are just some memories we need to not keep re-living. At the very least, to be more fluid between my own thoughts and emotions, allowing the chance to recover, experience all, and still love myself as opposed to constantly shifting between two opposite sides of the spectrum: self-hate versus self-love.
This is what pure and innocent joy looks like folks. Soak it up.