I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family, and our second-born son, who within 6 weeks has perfected the art of light sleeping (Seriously—half the time he sleeps with one eye open!). It’s quite an amazing accomplishment. He’s already surpassed my abilities at light sleeping, and I’ve had 39 years of stress to aide me. Perhaps it was the brief stint on the pediatric floor of the hospital days 14-16 of his life due to RSV that aided his leap into 24-7 wakefulness except for bouts of 20 minute snoozing. Those alarms on the machines that tracked his vitals went off constantly, jerking me out of any sort of snooze, and I’m sure it fucked up any sort of sleep pattern he might have begun.

Or perhaps his wakeful state is fueled by his stomach constantly alerting his brain to alert his vocal cords to scream, thereby alerting my breasts to produce white gold to start flowing and soak the fourth shirt I’ve put on for the day because he demands to be fed every two hours. (Yes, you people might refer to aioli as white gold, but to those of us with a newborn, breast milk or formula is white gold.) His feeding frenzy has him in the 3-month weight class for crib MMA, and he’s only 6 weeks old!! Egads…we need to buy life insurance.

I went on Amazon to purchase a goat for the backyard the other night at 1:22AM and found out that Amazon does NOT sell goats. Perhaps that’s a good thing. I purchased $300 worth of formula instead to supplement the white gold in order to help stave off this kid’s hunger cries because I absolutely can not produce enough to keep up. (If you have an opinion here, please keep it to yourself. Lack of sleep has whittled away at my ability to hold my tongue even more then I typically would try.) The next night my wife rented the SNOO to help with lengthening his sleep. That was at 11:33PM. WE ARE DESPERATE.

He can’t keep this every two-hour feeding schedule up forever, right? I mean, at some point his teeth will come in and we can feed him a whole pizza, thereby perhaps getting three or four hours of uninterrupted sleep. It’s important to maintain hope. Until then…I need black gold…COFFEE.